Part of participating in a team sport is also watching it. This is not something that I've ever been especially drawn to but in this case I've been utterly sucked into it. I went up to Bendigo yesterday with some of the other girls who aren't yet bouting to watch my team participate in a couple of bouts, one as the actual Northside Rollers travel team, being the Death Stars and one where the teams were made up of skaters from several different leagues, one being from my team and in her very first bout so that was exciting.

One of the girls borrowed a Tarago from work and seven of us piled into it for the trip up. The GPS settled on the wrong Holmes Rd and guided us out the other side of town to a paddock rather than to the show grounds which left us panicking and thinking we were going to miss things but as it turned out we still arrived in plenty of time and even secured suicide seating (right on the safety line at a minimum distance from the track) I browsed the merch stalls but didn't buy anything other than a t-shirt for my own team although had the ridiculously awesome purple coat with lacing up the sides and down the forearms been just a trifle larger than I would have come home with it. I also managed briefly to catch up with Racy Rapidfire who's another trans skater from Brisbane and currently visiting a few places. She was busy taking bout notes as she's participating in all sorts of coaching and training so I didn't chat as long as I would have liked but it was great to at least say hi face to face. Most of the time there was of course spent watching the bouting.

NSR are only in their first year of competitive bouting and we were not the favourite to win this bout. We trailed by somewhere between 10 and 30 points for most of the match but managed to claw back and edge into the lead right at the very end. The whole team has been fizzing with glee all of last night and today and I'm now very much regretting not hanging about for the after-party, especially as getting back to Melbourne landed me at Flinders St station just after midnight at which point I gave up and went home to bed rather than going to another party which was why I came back to Melbourne rather than staying in Bendigo overnight. I think I would have kicked on rather longer in Bendigo with everyone on a high and it sounds like it was a fantastic evening.

I've never been particularly fond of the tribalism that happens with team sport, in fact I usually hate it, but I think the difference here is the way in which it manifests itself. There's none of the usual sledging of other teams that I've seen in other sports and the loyalty to your own team in no way precludes not only being friendly with, but actively helping other teams. It occurred to me this morning that the chanting we came out with had nothing to do with what we were going to do to our opponents or even the prowess of our own team. So what were we shouting?

"All together.
All the time."

Sums it up nicely really.

Well that's a year and a half since I started dosing myself with oestrogen. Since my wonderful one year party I've been focussing on reassembling my life. The first year was really just about surviving the start of the transition process. Since then I've been striking out in different directions, especially socially. I've found several corners of Melbourne's queer community and started roller derby. Both of these are glorious and extraordinarily affirming parts of my life now. I'm getting fitter, reclaiming my body, defining myself and placing myself more confidently in the community around me. Predictably there's still an awful lot of unpacking of identity to do but I'm developing a sense of context for things now. Even new realisations or significant delvings into my own motivations and self-perception are easier to integrate into my overall picture of myself. Most of those realisations are also reinforcing very firmly that I'm not delusional or mistaken or otherwise haring off on some misguided tangent. This is a really good process for me and I'm now at the point where I can even see real positives in it beyond the basic movement towards an identity that fits me so much better than the old me ever did. The breadth of points of view afforded me is breathtaking in some respects and is only getting better. I'm finding a new faith in people as a whole as well...the misanthropist in me is forever raising one eyebrow in surprise at how understanding and nice people are on the whole. I was terrified of the ridicule and general nastiness that I had heard of and was expecting and for the most part, it simply hasn't materialised. I think I'm very lucky indeed with regards to where I live and I also think I'm astonishingly lucky with regards to the people I have around me. I now have several independent social circles and they have been universally amazing.

There's still lots to do but I feel like I actually have a life again. Onwards and upwards...

Well I'm no longer fresh meat. Derby testing was tonight and I felt really good about it. Test result of 4.8 out of 5 as an overall test result (required to pass mark of 3) confirmed that, as did upping my endurance run to 33 laps in five minutes and I got SO close to 34 and I feel that there's still plenty of room for improvement in both fitness and technique. I'm feeling more comfortable on skates all the time and I'm loving the increase in my skill level. Competence in a physical thing is awfully satisfying. I had forgotten for some years just how much I like it. I rediscovered it with cycling, and skating is the same only even more so. There is a deftness in the shifting of weight and applying force just so that makes me feel graceful and fast and strong and balanced and, well, deft. This is something I've always loved in others and it delights me in myself. My teammates all saying nice things about my skating is an awfully nice thing as well. So I get my Thursday night training back and on that night get to skate with the yellow star team members rather than the fresh meat which apparently means upping the bar noticeably. I'm very much looking forward to this.

More skating tomorrow although that is just a casual scamper around the ice skating rink at Docklands where I'm hoping to satisfy a long-standing curiousity about hockey skates and possibly make some new friends.

Yesterday was a good day. Up moderately early and away to thornbury to meet with lovely people for a trip up to St Andrew's market. There was chai and browsing and purchasing of jackets and coats. The just above knee-length black velvet coat with the double row of brass buttons down the front is a new favourite and many points of spendiferousness to Lisa for pointing it out to me. The other was a sort of heavy stretch denim jacket, about hip length. It's a fun cut. I not that it's also made by a company called Gasp. I have at least one other thing by them, possibly a couple and I've certainly noticed the name in the past. I think I like their work.

After that, a brief get together with the people of Genderqueer Aust before training. As usual, I really enjoyed training. I like the new toestops although they need to be screwed in 2-3 turns as they poke out a bit far. Backing off the trucks (half a turn) was win but I think taking another turn out of them is warranted as it really felt like I hadn't taken it far enough. At the end of training though we did another endurance run. They broke us up into three group which was nice because it gave us a relatively clear track. When I did the dummy run for white star testing I managed 29 laps. This time I managed 31 and Im feeling rather pleased with myself. This is over the course of five minutes so I managed to turn slightly better than one lap of a derby track every 10 seconds and maintain that pace for five minutes. My lungs were burning at the end of it (and were sore for a couple of hours afterwards) and it seems to have seriously accelerated the post smoking lung clearing process but I like the fact that I can push that hard for five minutes solid.

Post-training evening drinks were fun as usual. I suspect I caught the very last Sandringham traing home...I *could* have cycled home from Flinders St; it's not as if I don't so that ride regularly but I'm glad I didn't have to.

Today was a bit of a mess. There was a derby bout in Rosebud that I really wanted to go to. It turns out that if I want to get to Rosebud by 12:30 on a Sunday, I have to be on the 8:24 out of Ripponlea. I wasn't expecting that and so wasn't out of bed in time. Bother. Still, a quiet morning and then some relaxed op shop browing on Chapel (a couple of lovely finds that were just a bit too small, but nothing actually purchased) followed by meeting up with two of the three people I went ot St Andrews market with made for a lovely evening. Mind you, I think I don't like drag much. I have a couple of reasons for it but I still don't think I fully understand why. Glad of the company for the evening though, some people are always fun to be around.

Ok, I'm still liking the idea of getting a car. I'm liking the idea of servicing a loan for it less. I've been managing to save a modest amount over the past year or so and if I continue to live frugally then I can still do this, even with a couple of added expenses that I've picked up recently. I think I'm starting to want to wedge my way into a Mazda 3. This is a little above what I was looking at but I've heard nothing but good things about them since the time they were released, both in terms of critical review and personal comments from owners. I have spotted at least one for sale at under $10k and this seems a very reasonable sort of amount to pay for a car of that age and reputation.

So I'll hold off until the end of the year. At that point I'll have extra tiles to play with in my financial juggling game and be not particularly far from losing another expense. Even if I take out a small loan (which I may not have to do) it will be well within my means. Now I've made the decision I'd really like to move ahead with it, but I think deferring it like this is probably the clever way to do it.

Tired yesterday translated into sleepless last night and pukey this morning. You'd think that this was fairly straightforward...I feel a bit flat but not awful and will be back to work tomorrow. Today's doctor (one I hadn't seen before) had some sort of brain fizzpop along the lines of "I have Heard of This Thing!" and started asking me a series of questions that essentially asked me whether I'd had a heart attack. I answered in the negative to the lot at which he looked dissatisfied and sent me down the corridor for an ECG which he peered at muttering "Hmm, normal" before sending me back for blood and urine tests. He also asked me if I'd had diarrhea. I again answered in the negative whereupon he put me on a clear fluids diet and directed me to drink lots of water. I've also been barred from strenuous exertion pending the results of the tests.

No cycling or skating for me it seems. A grumpy...I haz it.

I've had health insurance in place for nigh on a month now and that means that hopefully within the year I'll be in a startling amount of discomfort and very happy indeed about it. This will mean of course that there will be no cycling for me for some time. There will also be no skating and that will make me sad and impact on my fitness. I'm really very dischuffed about this and it will drive me nuts but that simply can't be avoided. Losing skating for a while won't make a dent in my transport regime though. Losing cycling very much will.

I've resisted the idea of getting a car for a while. In many ways I *like* having a carless existence but some training sessions would be much easier with a car and finding my place within things like the SCA will be much easier with my own transportation. I've also been increasingly bailing out on stuff because getting there was all too hard. I think I've just about hit tipping point so I will do some sums, work out what I can afford as far as a loan goes and look at cars. So far something like a 2004 Corolla looks appealing. 1.8l motor, will cart stuff, not stupidly big, not stupidly thirsty, unlikely to break often. I might go with something smaller and my inclination in many ways is to do so and this might also save me a couple of thousand dollars or mean I can have something slightly nicer.

Thinking about transport arrangements and sleeping arrangements *eyes loft bed dubiously* and other things that will need to be dealt with does make surgery suddenly more real. It's exciting and scary and all sorts of things. I'm going to be in more pain than I've ever experienced before which is an unnerving concept but I'm going into it willingly and even happily. I want it at a level which is difficult to articulate but seriously fundamental and I suspect that the closer it gets the weirder it will be. God I can't wait.

A rather fun day yesterday. I used bar_barra's booklaunch as an excuse to wear my recently acquired black velvet jacket (op shop find, most pleased) with my black woolen skirt. I saw the two in close proximity to each other while making minor repairs to the skirt and decided that they must become close friends. It turned out to be a bit warm for that particular outfit, but the jacket was donned and doffed as was comfy and it all worked anyway.

The book launch itself was lovely as these things always are. It appears that someone in Yarraville has arranged for a temporary park to appear periodically in front of the bookstore and cinema there. I'm completely in favour of this. It gave us room to move, made it a bit more of an event and basically made things nicer. There was singing and chatting and a nice lunch for afterwards.

I took off early because I wanted to make training early. The higher grades train before we freshmeat do and I wanted to both watch and help out. I learned a little, realised just how much improvement there is to be made in my skating and generally socialised before getting geared up for my own training. The coach we had today ran us through a number of of exercises that yet again demonstrated that my core strength needs work, more specifically my stomach muscles. I can plank ok and my lower back is fine even after quite a while on skates but anything resembling a situp has my abdominals shrieking very quickly. Moar offskates exercise!

We had a new intake of skaters that day so after we'd finished our training I stayed for that. In between we were idly circling on the track and one of the refs started pacing me on the inside as he would a jammer (the member of the team that scores the points by lapping the pack). I sped up, he kept pace and dropped into the posture characteristic of a ref playing that role, I sped up more and eventually I was pelting around the track. A fun thing and he gave me a tip for getting more speed, rather nicely adding "...not that you need it." So playtime and compliments together make for a pleasing moment.

( cut for potential TMI about underwear malfunctions )

I was in such a good mood too...

Yesterday worked out well. I found out rather later than ideal that I couldn't afford to miss another derby training session if I wanted to be eligible for membership. I really really DO want to be eligible for membership because it's on that that my eligiblility to test for white star next month hinges and if I miss that I have to wait until god knows when, most likely July. Still, a frantic round of email saw commitments successfully juggled thanks to lovely understanding friends and I went out and skated my arse off. An hour and a half of training hard on the heels of a 17-18km bike ride to get there may have been pushing things but I felt marvellous at the end of it, albeit a little stiff today. I am so so SO loving derby. Every time I go I end the evening in a fantastic mood and feeling fit and relaxed and thoroughly satisfied.

Today, less good. I filled out a form online to apply for health insurance in which they asked what my gender is. Fine, that'd be female. Then they used that data to pre-populate another form only this time asking what my sex was. Without providing provision to change the details. and a stern note warning about penalties for providing false or misleading statements. So I called them. Lots of awkward pauses as people brainfarted while trying to deal with my question and work out who to pass me on to. Someone finally advised me that I'd be fine to submit it as it is. If they subsequently try to tell me that I've provided them with false information I will staple their scrotums to their cheekbones. I thought I was fine with that series of conversations but within half an hour I was filling up fast with hormones and adrenaline and feeling nauseous and distracted. I thought I was over feeling embarrassed about stupid crap like that but it seems I'm not. How is it that I *still* feel some sort of shame about all this? Grrr.

Home from Festival. I mostly had a very good time but there were some stark contrasts between this year and my last Rowany in 2009 and not all of them were because I have changed. so the magic has shifted somewhat. I won't say it's gone because it seriously hasn't but my household have mostly taken up heavy fighting so some of the things I considered central to the Festival experience have been deprioritised by that. The dynamic of the household has moved about a lot and I've been largely absent over the past year so I've missed out on watching most of that develop, especially in the context of everyone being together in a space for days on end. I should make a list of things I like about Festival and perhaps take a bit of ownership so I can make them happen. This year I just wanted to *be* there. Mission accomplished there. Some aspects of it were harder than anticipated and I had a few moments but these are things which will ease in time of which another year's worth will pass before next Festival. Time to make a list of projects and wants and work out how to slot all of them into the rest of my life.

The drive there and back was as it usually is, which is to say, really rather long. Gosford is a bit north of Sydney and generally takes a solid eleven hours to complete unless you're driving a shonky rental truck in which case it's more like thirteen provided you really only stop for fuel and don't piss about too much. It was rather undergeared and underpowered for driving on the freeway and really only felt even remotely happy about doing those speeds when there was a big chunky truck ahead of us doing some of the work of pushing through the air. It was also seriously underdamped and did an occasionally scarily good impression of a motorboat over irregular sections of road. Scarily in that the only thing keeping my backside in reasonably close proximity to the seat was the seatbelt; "reasonably" being open to wide interpretation in this case. Finally there was a remarkable amount of play in the steering at straight ahead. It sort of felt ok when I was driving, I suspect because I was in control so it felt good to me but I don't know how my passengers felt. When I wasn't driving, I could feel it ping-ponging across the extent of the steering freeplay and because I wasn't in control of that it felt unnerving. Worst rental ever and I really didn't enjoy it.

There was, as ever, phat phestival lewt. Cote & Cutler and Mainly Medieval weren't there this year which put a slight crimp in the usual retailgasm I have there but I still came away with three books, a couple of glasses from the wine bar, a pair of sewing snips, a USB key which apparently has something in the order of 11,500 tagged reference images on it and a pair of shoes with remarkably good period construction. The last were apparently made as props for the shooting of "Narnia" (I don't know if there actually was something just called that or whether they meant "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe) so they'd been worn once or twice and were being sold off at $20 per pair which I considered a bargain, particularly given how well they fit. I also bought a Salty Bint tavern cup but that vanished before we left the event. *grumps* The last thing I brought home with me was the bombard that I'd ordered through another scadian a little while ago. It's essentially a reed instrument a bit like the chanter from a set of bagpipes without the attendant bag and drones and so on. It's a rather raucous thing and I suspect it's not really an instrument to practice regularly while I live in a flat.

Being in the SCA is also a somewhat awkward thing while living in a flat. I may need to rethink this arrangement eventually simply for that reason. I can't store my tent and if I ever make furniture or anything else large I have nowhere for that either. This is an awkwardness. Well, there's plenty to occupy me for now anyway.